Saying Yes to Saying No

I’m at work, struggling for consciousness right now. I had to stay up until midnight when two tests from my online course became available; they will be closed by the time I get back from Boston.

I just literally wrote that last sentence over seven times. And I’m still not sure if I correctly explained myself. Lord help anyone expecting anything useful out of my today.

Have I mentioned I will not be taking any classes next semester? No matter what? Because really.

It’s not that the classes have been so demanding or I haven’t enjoyed them. It’s just that I have started to slip back into my old thought processes.

Back when I lived at the sanctuary, I had a lot of responsibilities. It wasn’t even so much that I couldn’t say, “No” – I just never even considered it as an option. Work had to be done. Everyone was too busy. If I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.

So I kept piling things on, oblivious to small details like 24-hours in a day. Or that I needed to sleep and eat. I became oblivious to what I wanted to do, what I enjoyed for fun. I didn’t have time for it, so what did it matter?

(Let me explain I know this is a situation that I brought upon myself. I loved volunteering and took on too much because of that. At some point, I probably should have taken a step back and decided to pursue a career in animal care full-time. Unfortunately, mine was the only paycheck. And not only did my husband and I survive on it, we often “helped” the sanctuary and others with that paycheck. I am very proud and happy of what I was able to accomplish and be a part of – it just had very little long-term stability and when I realized this, it was hard to handle.)

(Why not go back and pursue a career now? Well…it’s a possibility. I’ll let you know.)

(For the love of fuck…what was I even talking about? Did I have a point? Is it time for lunch yet? Because I plan to treat myself to the most awesome salad ever for lunch and is basically my reason to live right now. (The Southern Fried Chicken one))

So…classes. Yes. I seem to be slipping back into that do-it-do-it-do-it mentality where I start forgetting that all of this stuff I’m doing will take time and energy and there is a limited supply. Since classes are an easiest thing to omit, I’m going to prove that I have actually learned something in my 30-years of existence and try to fashion a schedule that does not depend on the day-cycle on Mercury. (Shit. Now I am going to have to look up the day-cycle on Mercury.) Or the fact that really, I once spent a whole summer only getting 8 hours of sleep every other night so why can’t I now?

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