Disharmonies
I read this (via Ken) and decided to write about the fact that eHarmony also rejected me.
Twice.
The first time, I was only separated. And yes, I understood why they rejected me. In fact, I feel pretty strongly against dating while in the middle of divorce – it’s just too much drama for everyone involved. It happened with me and W, but it happened organically out of pre-existing friendships.
So why was I filling out the profile? Boredom and friends wanted me to. I too was curious why they chose not to put the relationship status question first. When I started the profile, I kept looking for this question, so sure it would block me. Since this was at the end, I didn’t expect it to be a deal-breaker.
Although getting to fill out the entire personality test did make me want to come back once my divorce was final. So perhaps that’s the carrot.
The second time?
“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”
I guess I could have pursued it and made a stink. I really have no more information than what’s written above. My hunch is that they judged me as unmatchable because I was
1) Honest about my religion. (I attend church (Presbyterian) more regularly than some, but I am not baptized and therefore not a Christian).
2) Honest about my marital preferences. (I do not see marriage as a necessity. There are many reasons for it, and I’m not against it, but it is not a given in my mind that if I find a man I wish to be with for the rest of my life we will make that commitment legally binding.)
eHarmony is supposed to be this great place where you will find a soul mate, but they seem to have rigid rules for those deserving of such love. Is it really so risky to match me? Aren’t all matches uncertain?
And I can’t help but wonder if people tried to be more honest, put more of themselves into these profiles, if that 20% would become greater.
I suppose that it is eHarmony’s right to choose, and the reason I didn’t pursue any further explanation. But they certainly are not upfront about it.
If I had less self-esteem, I would have been devastated by the message above. I had to go back to the site today to grab that quote and was shocked all over again. At the time, I found it funny and proof that I am unique. Can’t pin me down in your stupid personality types! A rare gem here! But…in retrospect, aren’t they kind of saying I’m flawed when it comes to love? Don’t they realize I feel flawed enough?
By the way, the nail in the coffin for me was finding out that eHarmony doesn’t do same-sex pairings. I strongly believe in showing my opinions through my pocketbook and if they for some reason changed their mind and deemed my personality matchable I would not join.
I have long been anti-eharmony. I yell at the TV when their commercials come on. At first I just had a problem with their science, but the more I’ve read about these increasingly common complaints about their conservative slant - their religious bias (and Dr. Warren’s affiliation with groups like Focus on the Family) and lack of same-sex pairings, the more annoyed I’ve gotten. Bleagh.
When you say honest about your martial preference … do you mean Tae Kwan Do vs Aikido? Or …. [ducks] Sorrry, couldn’t resist, am such a sh*t-stirrer :)
I second the Bleaughhh. That’s just … gross on so many levels. Personally I’d be more interested in research based on “successful long-lasting partnerships” than simply “married” - how many of those marriages are rife with spousal emotional abuse etc? Given the conservative nature of the group one has to wonder. [restrains self from rant on rise of extreme fundamentalism and the death of science is the USA]
J-girl, I’d be *honoured* to be rejected by a bunch of odious small-minded pricks like that. Congratulations. I love you even more now :)
Jules - I have a green belt in Atemi-Ryu jujitsu. ;) (Thanks for the catch, TG will be upset he didn’t get to it first!)
I just love how they try to come off as all touchy-feely, but basically told me “we don’t want to ruin our success rate with trying to match you.”
Had to Google that … way cool - so you’re beautiful AND dangerous! Sexxaayyyyyyyyyy. I like aikido but can’t do the falls - am v good at boxing and dirty street-fighting though, hee [have got into and won pub brawls in Ireland, howzat? not bad for a 5", 7 1/2 stone wee thing, loike]
i met Boy on match, but that was almost 3 years ago. i sense it was a better site then.
Recently, I originally filled in eharmony’s profile questions, and was turned down as falling in the 20% of people that do not qualify for eharmony. In that attempt, I answered the *religion* related questions honestly (I’m not particularly religious). So, the next day, I tried again, answering all questions exactly the same EXCEPT the religion-based questions, which I answered as if I was rather religious. And voila, I’m accepted!!! Eharmony obviously has a religious bias as to who is considered *acceptable*. I find their brand of theology-thumping extremely offensive. Stay away from eharmony and their discriminatory *holier-than-thou* scam!!!