More than once I’ve been questioned why I’m friends with exes.  Sometimes it’s from a well-meaning friend who sees romantic encounters as so separate from friendships.  (Which, by the way, I believe is a philosophy that dooms you.)

But a few times it was from current beaus.  And looking back, I think even at the time I knew they were asking because they were concerned about holding up the inevitable friendship end of the bargain I felt they had struck with me from the first inappropriate groping in a piano bar or bookstore.

I stand by my decision.  I don’t date losers.  Or marry them for that matter.  Or spend time with them on a voluntary basis.  I find myself way too entertaining to bother with the messy social stuff with those I deem unworthy.

And it’s also the loyal nature of my personality.  Once I let you in, you’re in.

Not to say it’s always been easy.  An ex can hurt you just by their very existence.  As I believe almost the last single one of mine is slipping from bachelorhood to something less solo (I knew the days were numbered when he committed to a rescue dog), there is ALWAYS the question of why her and not me.  I don’t think any of my exes are even half as suited for me as Tom, but every time one of them finds someone special, it still hurts my pride that I did indeed not rock their world to the core.

Save Skip.  My first ex to do an 180 on me.  On a road trip back from visiting my family unannounced because he still pined for me (Dad: “We gave him pie.  We weren’t sure what else to do.”), he stopped to visit a friend who became his wife and mother of his child.  While it was my first shock of how transient even the most visceral feeling can be, it was also a sweet relief that he found someone else.

So why do it?  Why keep someone in your life who’s presence reminds you of something you lost or were missing or messed up or threw away?

For my 35th birthday, I received an email from the gentleman who took me to my senior prom.  We had a fun run of a relationship, although it was deeply marred by his attraction to one of my school classmates.  An attraction that blossomed in fact at said prom.  For years we ran hot and cold with each other, but for the most part remained civil.  When he moved away, he quickly found “the one”, and our friendship has strengthened despite the distance.

The email was a continuation of a thread started with some of the other changes going on in my life.  And in this particular email, in discussing my strength of taking chances in life in order to be happy, he said, “You’re a hero to me in this regard and I won’t have you wearing out.”

Oh.

I understand some exes are not worthy of another thought.  And in all this worship of past loves, I have a few who have escaped unfriended.  But just as an ex can hurt by having been a person close to your heart, they can heal.  They can revel in your triumphs, understand your wounds, and remind you why you put up with them in the first place.