So!  I got bigger during the holidays!

Actually, all throughout last year I got bigger and smaller.  And then bigger some more.  And then some smaller for a change.

I would get really fed up and determined I was going to stay on track and just do it and <insert positive sports metaphor here>.  For about two weeks or so the scale would comply with my wishes and show numbers sliding down the rabbit hole.

Then it would stop.  Repeat until you feelings lean more towards failure than fed up.  Every time I eased up on my diet and exercise, some pounds packed on.  Clothes felt (feel) tight again.  I’d hit a good patch of uninterrupted weeks and start the whole cycle over again…and yet.

Let me back up.  To March 2009 when I went to my doctor and said despite new exercise routines and diet I was not losing weight.  Blood work showed borderline hypothyroidism.  Weight gain (and difficultly with weight loss) is a symptom.  As were a few other vague issues I’d had that I attributed to my lifestyle.

I received medicine for hypothyroidism.  And the weight came off.  Not easily, but it did.  I felt I could concentrate better, my energy level was better.

The thing is – the medicine I received, T3 & T4 hormones, would have had this effect whether I truly needed it or not.  And after a year, my blood work showed I had a tad hyper thyroid.  Besides being asymptomatic any other way I could see (in fact, my weight loss had already started to slow down), the hormones had started messing with my heart.

Every since my doctor decided to take me off thyroid medicine without doing any follow-up lab work to reassess my thyroid levels, I’ve wanted a new doctor.  When I came to her with a girlie problem that is a known system to hypothyroidism and she offered 3 possible cures that did not include looking at my thyroid levels, I knew I’d never go back to her for a regular physical again.

But I have not wanted to use hormones, lazy thyroids, or other impaired organs not in my control as an excuse.  Tom and I also quit hiking as frequently around the same time because it was getting hella-hot in FL.  When I started running and hot yoga I packed on 6 pounds of lean muscle and looked awesome no matter what the scale said.  (Yes, I just complained about the heat in FL and then blithely mention I PAY to do exercise in a 101 degree room.)

Besides not hiking, I hit the height of my travel plans over the summer.  And then ever since my 5K race at the beginning of October, I’ve had one injury after another.  I keep telling myself that I can’t look for other health problems as an excuse when the tried-and-true “eat less, exercise more” hasn’t been fully tested for months now.

Then on Christmas Eve Eve, I had a tiny cancer removed from my calf.  I would have mentioned it but carcinoma definitely does not deserve its own post.  (Yes, I wear sunscreen religiously.  But I am a pale, freckly, moley girl like my mother.  Who’s had about a bazillion removed so you can imagine her sympathy level.  “Huh.” I believe is a direct quote.)  I had stitches right smack dab in the middle of the front of my leg.  I spent between Christmas and New Year’s Eve sitting with my leg elevated, drinking and eating.

So obviously, especially on the heels of a nasty New Year’s Eve hangover, I wanted to start this year back on track.  And to just do it.  Possibly even be the eye of the tiger.

Except…lord I am just so tired of it all.  Tired of failing.  And tired of doing nothing about failing.

Instead of getting back on track, I’m taking a small side detour.

Oh, I’m back to my regularly scheduled workouts.  And I cut out alcohol for the month.  I’m getting about 5 to 9 servings of vegetables a day.  Very little refined sugar.

But what I’m not back to is plugging in numbers to an app or a spreadsheet.  I’m not hopping on the scale every morning ready for it to decree my day a success or not even before coffee.

It feels…right.  I can concentrate on how food tastes and how exercise makes me stronger instead of equations and graphs.  It also means I’m not trying to work the system to figure out how I can have an extra glass of wine or piece of cake.  (I do keep a food/exercise journal for data in case this flops and I am weighing myself here and there.  But neither of things for now is used to determine my daily course of action.)

I am being strict with one particular app.  The calendar.  If I haven’t seen progress by March, I will find a new Dr as well as a personal trainer/nutritionist.

Overall, I still weigh less today than I did one year ago.  I have more muscle.  I have greater stamina.  But I know I’m not done with this journey and I’m ready to get help to achieve it if need be.