Grateful

Inspired by Cass McCory’s Bullet Journal, I stole her idea of keeping a Gratitude journal as part of my daily pages. Down at the bottom each day, I give myself three lines to jot down three things I’m grateful for.

I only started last week. Part of that “bettering” kick I seem to be on. And what isn’t better than being grateful? It is particularly apt for me these days as I feel the weight of some big, negative, but vague issues. Those issues mostly directly correspond to decisions and chances I had the privilege to chose. I vacillate between, “This is so hard and unfair” and “I got to decide this hard and perhaps unfair path and I’m lucky to have the option to play this out.” It’s a somewhat stressful place to hang out, and at the worst it makes me feel like whiney bitch who doesn’t appreciate what she has right in front of her. Gratitude journaling seems like a good, small effort I can take to move away from that sort of thinking.

Gratitude journaling is harder than I thought it would be. Right now it feels like one more thing to do. I’m pretty sure the idea is not to sit there impatiently tapping pen to paper grumbling, “What the fuck am I grateful about so I can cross this off my list.”

Several of my gratitude entries feel like generic cope-outs – avocados, lazy day at work. These are things that everyone is grateful for every day.

But then sometimes an entry will hit me, and it will even be a generic “everyone/everyday grateful”, but at the moment I will feel an instant, visceral, gratefulness.

Two days ago, it was hot water.

I also am still going strong with my “no pain medication” detox. I have seen no tangible benefit thus far. No sudden weight loss now that my liver has hours and hours free. No change in my blood pressure (I’m wondering if the stress of pain could be elevating my BP?). The only thing I’ve noticed is that after the initial few days, it is getting easier for me to fall asleep at night. And I can’t be doing myself harm, right? So pill-less I go.

But painless, I’m not. And I have come to embrace the alternative pain management of heat therapy, standing under our shower with my left shoulder stuck in the spray and the cold tap turned off for as long as I can stand. Two nights ago I was there and physically struck – head jerked up, eyes opened – with how grateful I am for that hot water.

I take that as a win.  Is there anything you are particularly grateful for?

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2 Responses to Grateful

  1. Mom says:

    Have you tried a heating pad? I have an extra I can send if you like.

  2. Jessica In Progress says:

    Yes, Mom, I have a heating pad. It’s nothing close to the relief of a hot shower. But I am grateful you offered.