Not the Nice One

(In the middle of relaying a frustrating conversation with one of Gma’s doctors…)

Me:…and I will fucking punch him in the fucking mouth.

Tom (all echoey): Uh huh.

Me: Do you have me on speakerphone so all the warehouse guys can hear my potty mouth?

Tom: I considered putting you on the intercom.

Me: So they can realize you’re the nice one?

Tom:  Yeah.  All I’ll do is fire ’em.

Family Fix

I spent the week alone. Oh, I received awesome phone calls, emails, texts, and chats. And I appreciate all of it. But it hasn’t taken away the lonely. Or the fact that I went from 12 hours of hiking to 12 hours of sitting.

Today, I rectified all that. I joined Animal Warriors in an outreach to Peace River Rescue & Refuge. They are an exotic animal sanctuary that is moving from south FL to the Ocala National forest. We came out today to help build their perimeter fence.

So. What. I. Needed.

Outside. Physical labor. Something I could fix and solve.

And company. Some of the best damn people ever made (including K & Q).

I got sarcastic sympathy: “How are you? Oh wait. Never mind. I know how you are. You are screwed.”

I got to be protective den mom to an injured friend: “The next heavy log you pick up? I am going to throw at you. Consider that.”

And the 12-year-old boy in me? We were digging holes. To put posts in. Insert width, depth, and accuracy jokes. A few, “That’s what she said” for good measure.

I came home to take care of a blood relative. But spending time with the people who will claim me without a DNA test is the medicine I dearly needed.

The pigtails work in any outdoor situation.

He HAD to know I’d blog this

For the 34,591 time people: stay friends with your exes.

Unless the relationship was too brief to really know each other, or ended in infidelity/abuse/death*, an ex is the perfect friend in times of crisis.  Someone whose already seen you most vulnerable (“What do you mean you don’t love me?  You know that blanket over your head doesn’t make you invisible, right?”), but doesn’t have his shit all wrapped up in your shit like your current significant other.

So when I saw TG online, I had to reach out for a little support.

Me: Home now.  Gma in hospital.  Broke her hip.  Going to Gainesville tomorrow.  Tell me a dirty joke, quick.  Need a laugh.

TG:  I have no dirty jokes. You’ve seen me naked. Isn’t that funny enough, frankly?


TG:  Well. Yes.

* (Although come to think of it, one of my relationships DID end in infidelity and while it took longer to get over, we’re still very good friends.)

I Thought The Cursing Made Me A Sailor

Me:  Were you nervous about meeting me?

Tom: No.

Me:  But you knew I had some pretty high standards.

Tom:  I figured that was all in your head.  Nothing I could do about it.

Me: You didn’t worry at all?

Tom:  I work with truckers.  Truckers are a lot of drama.

Me:  But you didn’t want to marry a trucker!

Tom:  AND YET.

A Friday in Unsent Letters

Dear Girl in the gym who needed to pull down her shorts and up her shirt to prod at her flat stomach in the mirror,

I was going to be all snippy and say things like I can bench press you and I may be fat but at least I can do math.

But your skinny ass looked so damn critical and annoyed and unhappy.  So honey, let me back up the snark and say that you don’t need to go to the gym to worry about those things.  Do that in your house.  At the gym, worry about how your body feels.


The pudgy girl sweating buckets on the elliptical who left with a smile on her face because her body felt awesome.

PS.  Get some 34DDs.  With the right bra and shirt combo, you can be 5 months pregnant and look like you have flat abs.


Dear Target,

You disappoint.  And FYI: no one’s interested in bright red food utensils made in China.


The lady who kept most of her money to give to a different store.


Dear Whole Foods,

You do not disappoint.  How much would it cost to let me in after hours, turn on all the bulk spigots, and roll around in it?


A woman who is frufru enough to buy quinoa and whole wheat pastry flour but also frugal enough to not pay frufru prices


Dear Shoulder,

What.  The.  Fuck.  I get it.  No more iPhone games until you’re feeling better.  Now feel better.  Damnit.

Yours Truly,

I mean it.


Him:  Do you want to come along?

Me:  No.  If I had known there was an emergency errand to run I could have already been wearing pants.  Instead I want to lie here, pantless, drink my own mucsus, and strew over the gross lack of misscommunication.

Him:  Are you sure?  Because you sound like you’re wavering.

Not exactly a box of chocolates

For the next week or so, Grandma and I can still pretend everything is normal.  I am not even sure if her surgeon told her the news…Grandma asked me while she was still in recovery and groggy on pain meds and I said yes, it was evident cancer had spread to her lymph nodes and she said, but what does that mean, no chemo right and I said, well, yes chemo is the usual treatment but we don’t have to worry about that right now and she said OK.  She hasn’t brought it up since.  We will visit the surgeon next week and that’s soon enough for me.

Grandma has been slow to get back in gear and while I understand she had a kinda major operation, I do believe she is using it as a bit of an excuse to just give in to her general tired and worried attitude.  So when I came today and found she hadn’t dressed all day, I pressed for us to eat at the pseudo-restaurant that’s part of the cafeteria.

Several times throughout the meal she conceded that the dinner was better, more fun, more relaxing and probably good for her.  I mentioned I wasn’t leaving until I saw her dressed and out doors so she might as well as have agreed to a pleasant dinner before I grand marched her.  She said she might have sensed that.  We then had the following conversation.

Me:  Now tomorrow I’ll run errands in the morning, fix lunch, and make sure you’re set for dinner before I leave.

Grandma: Oh, you don’t have to do that.  I can take care of myself.

Me:  You can, can you?

Grandma:  Yes, and I’d better.  Otherwise my granddaughter will…

Me:  Get on to you?

Grandma:  Yes!  You would not believe how tough she is!

Me:  I can imagine.

Grandma:  She’s so tough on me!

Me:  I solved that problem by not having kids.

Grandma:  Well if I had known how it would turn out, I might not have either.

Me:  Indeed.

Grandma:  That’s the problem with things like this.  You never know what you’re going to get.

Yeah, Baby

For Valentine’s day (or really, the Sunday before since Tom flew out Monday AM), I requested we watch Casablanca.  Tom always vetos any movie choice I make in black and white, so it’s been forever since I saw it.  I forgot how awesome it is, and Tom admitted it was much better than he was antiscipating. 

We had the following conversation afterwards:

Me:  Baby, I’d totally sleep with a cafe owner for your letter of transit.

Him:  Yeah?

Me:  Yeah.

Him:  Baby, you’d sleep with a cafe owner for my bar tab.

Me:  Yeah?

Him: Yeah.

Me:  Yeah.