Apparently, I came close to making all my 2008 resolutions a reality.

1)  Do not move.  Check.  Still in condo.  And it appears that may be what’s in store for 2009 as well.  Thank God we can still afford this place.  Now if only we could get rid of the pee smell in the bedroom and study, fix the roof and ceiling, and perhaps own more items than animals…

2)  Change part-time life to full-time life.  Technically, I believe I still have to bring out a flow chart to explain my daily doings.  But at least I do them all in the same place!  I honestly cannot remember when I wrote that if I had an inkling that the position at the sanctuary was going to be in the offering.  If not, I am pretty sure my itchiness had much to do with how I struggled to find meaningful classes as a part-time student.    You may or may not have noticed, but I haven’t returned to classes.  If I do, it will be very easy online courses just to keep me in the student loop.  I still feel I am learning and accomplishing enough at the sanctuary to keep me intellectually on my toes.

3)  The better health, no dead pets, and passport usage hopes did not really come to fruition in 08.  I think overall I was not as sick, but my weight still teeters on uncomfortable and that is very evident as I am nursing a sprained ankle and notice each ounce I must shift from place to place.  Then of course not only did we lose Roark, but Spike and Lady had very expensive, dangerous ailments as well.  Perhaps my 2009 wishes should be for better health for every living being in this condo - pee and all.

While the passport remained in my dresser drawer, we did manage to travel to places in the US we had never been.  I’ll take partial credit on that one.

And my one real resolution of recycling more was a whopping, annoying, success.  I would say that no glass, metal, or plastic that can be recycled at our local centers has been thrown out this year.  Almost all paper as well - including food boxes, little scraps of receipts, etc.  We got so good at using canvas bags for groceries that I started pillaging my less-green friends plastic bag stashes so we could clean the litter boxes.  And then I took it one step further - we now make such an effort to save extra plastic bags (from tortillas, bread, internal packaging of small boxed goods) that we no longer need to beg plastic from anyone.

And yes, it is annoying.  As in, I am annoying.  You cannot recycle that much stuff without becoming a hippie tree hugger.  I also encourage recycling at work - to the point that volunteers know to stuff cardboard in my trunk - and it’s always dangerous to get that label at work.  People will actually scan my face quickly before slowly motioning towards a trash can with some item.  Just in case I’d like to karate chop them for not reusing that paper towel a third time.

Despite the annoyance, I do hope to continue this trend in 2009.  Specifically, I think we could greatly reduce our electricy and water usage.  These are going to be the biggies for me - I love a well-lit house and a nice hot bath.  But since these energy savings also should translate to real savings, perhaps I can find incentive there.

Lastly…and the whole point of the title of this post…just this week I found a deal on a new laptop I couldn’t turn down.  I’m writing from my brand new Sony Vaio (my old laptop was a Sony as well - I like them).  It has a built-in web camera that I am sure I will use for your amusement and my embarrassment some time in the near future.

In transferring files over so that I may donate my old laptop to the sanctuary, I’ve been hit once again with how much I’ve written in the past that I’ve never polished and posted.  Since it’s quite obvious I’m never going to post my current circumstances with any regularity, I thought I might start dredging some of the old stuff up.

2009…what better time to write about 2004?

It’s 6:07am here in Tampa.  I think it’s going to be about 82 degrees today.  I’m struggling to wake up while the overnight french toast bakes.

I’ll be at the sanctuary by 7:30am, breakfast for the volunteers in hand.  If the rest of the week is any indication, I will get the honor and privilege of picking up poo and left over meat from our 3 new cats (2 tigers and a liger).  They are still on quarantine and most haven’t even gotten a glance at them yet.  Of course, even with cleaning and feeding them this week I’ve only really seen 2 of them.  I hope they get over the transport trauma soon and learn we are there to help them.

Once cleaning and feeding is done, I’ll come back to the condo to pack up for Gainesville.  If everyone is lucky I will take a minute to shower.  Two hours of driving, a little food with the family at Grandma’s, some present-opening, and then a two hour drive back.

I’ve been averaging about 3-4 hours sleep a night for maybe two weeks now.  So maybe I’m just delirious.  But right now I feel so blessed and lucky for a Christmas like this.

I hope where ever you are, whomever you are with, whatever you do, you feel the same way.  Merry Christmas.

So, I just deleted one of those “I’m in a funk and can’t figure out because life is pretty sweet and these small things shouldn’t add up to a hill of beans let alone a personality disorder” posts.

You know you need to shut the fuck up when you can’t stand to finish writing a sentence for yourself.

But, it’s also true.  I’m going through a rough patch.  Not surprisingly, in winter.  Not surprisingly, during the holidays that we’ve decided we won’t really be celebrating.

I used to blame bad history for these blues.  Then I blamed Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Then I thought maybe I am just one fucked up person.

I haven’t ruled that last one out.

A few years ago I realized that I was growing up because I felt comfortable in my skin.

Now, I know I am a grown up because I am comfortable being uncomfortable in my skin.

I mean…dude.

I’d love to be more eloquent about the past month, but I just can’t.

The fundraiser, while a huge success from a logistics standpoint of that evening, did not garner quite the bucks people hoped for.  I can’t help it, I take it a little personally since I had such a role in several aspects of the planning.  More specifically, I see things that can definitely be improved and feel I might not get the chance to implement said changes.

The same week as the fundraiser, I got a call from GM while on a remote part of the sanctuary property stating a dauchand needed rescue that day - he was on death row.  Of course I called Tom, who of course said YES!, and of course the dauchand turned out to be a 45 lb weird basset hound/dauchand/rotreiller mix.  He’s way too big and energic for our household.  Luckily, I only signed up to foster him (with everyone thinking we’d fall so much in love that we’d “fail” and keep him).  Alas, we love him but don’t attend to fail.  It’s been very stressful and I am thankful that (fingers crossed) he appears to be going to a new mommy this Sunday.  What’s even better?  She lives in my condo complex!

A few days after that, we took Roark in for X-rays and got confirmation on what his blood work hinted at.  Cancer.  Lymphomas all through his body, including one impinging on nerves in his front left leg.  Chemo and radiation just sound cruel for a 14 year-old cat so it’s been a ton of drugs daily to keep him comfortable, bandaging the leg as it’s prone to swellings, force feeding at times to keep weight on him, and many many vet visits.

Perhaps the only reason I can write about it is that yesterday for the first time I found him downstairs and ready to eat with the rest of the pack.  I know it doesn’t mean anything - he’ll be leaving us soon - but it was such a joy to get that one memory of the cat he used to be.

Other than that, I’ve been sick.  Ill.  Coughing.  Hacking.  Sweating.  I can’t believe I got through the stress of the fundraiser only to have a complete physical meltdown.  I thought I’d finally get back to eating right, exercising, and wow my in-laws at Thanksgiving.  Now I’ll just be lucky if I can say hello to all my in-laws without leaving chunks of lung on them.

Large sanctuary fundraiser on Friday.

Large flood at site holding fundraiser auction items.

Lady is one week into her heartworm treatment - some heavy breathing here and there and fingers crossed.

Roark is limping and not eating - blood work pending.

Daschund rescued from death row of shelter turned out to be a 40 lb Bassett Hound/Rotreiller mix.

I really wanted to work that into the title of a mass email I sent out today.

Please excuse the picture quality - it’s a print screen from the podcast we did for the sanctuary on my hair cut.  This is the closest I’ve come to admitting my real identity on this site.  Note the oh-so-high tech rectangle over the logo.

So, what did you do today?

As in, “back into the”.

It’s been on my mind to try and find ways to write more.  I miss it, and I think it misses me.

So I wrote a little post that I’ll finish in the next day or so.  But I thought I’d shine up the place for its arrival.  I’ve updated wordpress since I first started this blog, which forced me to back up my database for the first time as well.  And after very little searching, I found this theme which I kinda like.  I’m not sure how I feel about the archives, but hopefully it will grow on me.

(A thank you again to Miss Zoot for my last theme.  It was great to feel that personal touch on my blog, but after 2+ years it was time for a little change.)

Please check out the new look, and check back soon for more progress.  As in, “Jessica in”.

While I wish I could sit down and tell you exactly what’s on my mind - how crazy, exciting, frustrating, exhausting my day-to-day has become - I can’t.

It’s not because I want to keep things private (although I do) or that I can’t find the time (although I can’t).  It’s that I lack the ability to communicate something without a buffer or a break or a bonus round.  What’s going on with me RIGHT NOW?  Ummm…

Yeah.  I sit in front of this blank screen and just…blank.  It all seems boring and piddley and whiney.

Instead, let me share that a month or so ago Tom and I went on vacation.

It was only the second vacation we’ve taken where the point was us.  It feels indulgent and - as I try to plan Chicago since my father is having surgery again - foolhardy.  A whole week?  Just to be together?  Whatever can we do?

Turns out, quite a bit.

We flew in to Las Vegas, spending 4 nights there then driving to the Grand Canyon for 3 nights and returning to Vegas in time for one more buffet and a flight out.

First off, Las Vegas is so not my type of place.  I’ve cared for cats from shows.  I’ve seen the conditions.  I know the trade and cruelty that is perpetuated by even the best caregivers just by fact of displaying them.

It’s also not my place because it is so over the top.  Vegas is disposable and luxurious.  I am canvas bags and frugal.

But…I still loved it. 

We saw 3 shows, gambled a little, and used our jacuzzi every day.  I must say, for all the hype, Zumanity is much tamer than I expected.  Perhaps because this is one area where I am definitely NOT frugal.  Ahem.  But it was still a great show.

Also, as someone who thinks finding good places to eat as a top priority on vacation while Tom is more of the “Is that McDonald’s I see?  It’s cheap and quick!” vacationer, Las Vegas was perfect for us.  We ate several meals at buffets - usually making the meal stretch over the day so as not to seem too piggish.  He couldn’t resist the bargin of a buffet, I couldn’t resist the fact that there is no such thing as bad food in Vegas.  The only thing I found lacking is that I don’t believe you can get great Italian food at a buffet.

After 3 days, we were off to the Grand Canyon.  Where we promptly fell in love with the view, bought peanut butter and bread to make all-day hike preparations, and hit a brick wall.

I’m scared of heights.

And, like a few of my other fears (frogs), it’s one I never really think will rear it’s head.  I mean, sure I quiver when I climb and enclosure to clean off the roof and I curse a bit on ladders.  But, am I REALLY scared?

Evidently, the answer is yes.  Yes I am.

Our first afternoon, we struck off to do a small section of trail to get a good sense of our timing so we’d know how far we could go the next day.

I got maybe 6 yards down the trail.

I got another 12 yards before I made us turn back.

This was a little less than the 12 miles we were planning.

I was so distraught.  I can’t believe I’d planned a vacation to the Grand Canyon and couldn’t even hike!  However, I also didn’t feel like putting myself through pain and hell was exactly what a vacation should be about.

We decided to go down the trail we wanted to hike and see how I felt about those conditions.  It wasn’t much better at first.  There was a large turn at the first switchback and you couldn’t see around it and I couldn’t get over the mental block.

But then, as we were looking around the area thinking we wouldn’t be back the next day, we found an alternative way to the trail head - one past that first turn.

I’m not sure why it got easier for me, but it did.  We hiked enough to determine that we’d make a go of it the next day.

We made it 3 miles.  And I’m not pointing any fingers, but I wasn’t the one to turn us back.

And…that was it in a nutshell.  It was an incredible trip.  The combo of slot machines and canyons is one I definitely recommend.

Note to self:  It hurts to not post.  Four episodes of Buffy until I had erased enough comments that the page would fully load and I could use the “Delete All” button.

You’d think after all that trouble, I’d have something to say.  But no.

The truth is, I hardly turn on this computer any more.  And while I must spend time on one for “work” (granted a Vista machine…eich), I haven’t read another blog in months.  And until I’m staring at this blank space, I don’t really think about what that means to me.

And…I’ve just goaded my husband down the stairs, so I guess I wont’ think about it now either!