My flight home was late, late Sunday night. So I stayed home Monday to detox and prep to come to Gainesville for an extended period of time.

Look, I know it’s not like I hiked out into the tundra for a year. But still. I am having some reintroduction problems.

1). I own too much clothing. I needed some shorts so as not to moon the golfers from my porch and had to dig through five pairs of pants to find some. Five pairs! How do you choose which to wear? The whole “wear the pair that’s not as dirty” method doesn’t work.

2). Other shoes feel weird. Even though my trail runners were (definitely past tense. They need to be retired) just glorified sneakers, I’ve never worn the same pair day in and day out like that. When I put on my regular running shoes I thought I had put my inserts in backwards.

3). My car goes much faster than 2 mph. Perhaps not best to have your first drive after a month be 2 hours on the highway. Almost did 100 past a cop.

4). My shower is too hot. And while I shaved my legs first thing, I didn’t actually shower and wash my hair until Tuesday morning. And somehow Campsuds left my hair feeling cleaner than shampoo/conditioner.

5). Conversely, my AC is too cold. The artificial breeze is getting on my last nerve.

6). I am cured of my 9L a day water habit! I was down to maybe 3L by the end of the trip? Not sure that’s going to stick with the FL heat, but we’ll see.

7). In packing to drive up, I somehow was compelled to grab a granola bar and my leatherman.

8). While I lost weight and can fit into skinny jeans, I’m practically bicep-less now. Blech.

Huh.  So that was February.

On the 12th, I drove Tom to the airport.  I haven’t seen him since.  He had it in his head that this time around he was just going to stay up at the new warehouse until the other manager got there and took there.

But on the 3rd I squeezed him in at the dentist who sent him to another dentist who said he needed to see a third dentist.  Dentist #1 took x-rays and referred him for a root canal.  Dentist #2 said the tooth was a total loss and referred him for extraction.

He wasn’t able to get to Dentist #3 before the 12th.  And after two weeks I finally put my put foot down and said I didn’t marry stupid so get back here to fix that tooth.  Yeesh.  (Dentist #3 has performed other oral surgeries on him so he wanted this specific dentist versus finding someone in Atlanta.)

He’ll be back next Tuesday, and fly out that Sunday again – just squeaking out the “no planes for three days” rule of having a gaping bloody clot in your mouth.  I’m happy he’s coming back because it means if things run longer than planned he’s taken care of.  I’m sad because I’m pretty sure this means he won’t be home for my birthday.

But.  All that is a great excuse for why Tom didn’t write the month the February.  It doesn’t explain my absence.  Except to say that I used to keep my weekends completely clear for spending time with my husband and without that criteria I got a little overbooked.

In February, I:

-Ran 6 miles for the first time ever.  Then did it again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  I am afraid I am a runner now.

-Attended a free conference on fundraising.  The gist was, our software and coaching skills are the only model that work.  Surprise, surprise.

-Made jam.  Strawberry jam.  In quilted glass bottles that could sit out on the shelf and not grow mold or anything.  I gave some away and the verdict is I make damn good jam.

-Volunteered with a group at an ape sanctuary south of me.  I’ve never been very interested in working with primates, but I have to say chimpanzees and orangutangs are pretty awesome.

-Saw a movie in a real movie theater.  You may say that’s not list-worthy, but it tops the number of movies I saw in a real movie theater in 2011 by one.  (It was the Decedents and I loved it.  I saw it with a friend who has been to Hawaii several times for work and plans to take me with next time so we can hike!)

-Camped out carrying/using all of the gear Tom and I usually carry/use together.  K, my planned hiking partner for a month on the AT this spring, was with me and used all of her two-person gear as well.  We compared everything to determine what would work best for the both of us.  Extra bonus to me is the knowledge I can hike with two-person gear solo if needed.

-Got a little head cold.  It’s gone, thank goodness.

-Attended some fun but time consuming meetings.  One with K to get started with hiking plans.  One with the other leaders of the volunteer group to determine how we can do more outreaches to help other sanctuaries.  (Yeah, I said “other” leaders.  As in, I’m one too.  Gah.  The introvert in me hates stepping up to the plate.  But the animal lover in me knows this needs doing.)

-Kept Tom’s fish alive.  Not a hard or especially time consuming task, granted.  But still.

-On top of running, basically kicked my ass from one side of the gym to the other.  Without my usual weekend indulgences, I’ve managed to keep the numbers on the scale moving in the right direction.  I just signed up for the first day of a one-month boot camp.  Fingers crossed I’m not the slowest person in camp.

-Got my oil changed.  Only 8,000 miles apart this time!

Now that Tom’s coming home in a few days, it’s super lucky I’ve got a pretty clear schedule for this weekend.  I’ve kept up on the basic necessities, but you will notice my February list did not include cleaning/changing the linens.  Or mopping the floors.

Most importantly, I have not scoured the internet for the perfect “I’m sorry I’m a crazy workaholic and missed your birthday” present.

This year I went a tad crazy with resolutions/2012 goals. The news of Tom’s promotion came to us sometime in the beginning of December with the agreement it started in January. That kind of threw everything I knew about 2012 into a blender, added some ice and gave me whiplash.

(Alas, this does not mean he’s been traveling less. If anything, he’s traveling more since he’s driving back and forth to the warehouse in GA (the one we really wish he’d get assigned to run) because its start date is earlier than the FL one and they need his help. Driving instead of flying is dangerous for a workaholic because it’s so easy to add juust-ooonee-mooree-thiiiinnnng onto his plate before driving home. He got in after 10pm one Friday, which never happened when he flew everywhere. And he loves to leave at 4am Monday morning to get a head start on traffic. Bah.)

Once my head kinda settled, I immediately wanted some spreadsheets and lists. It’s not really possible for me to plan much of 2012 yet with so much up in the air. But the combination of the new year and my determination to make the best of this situation for myself made for some crazy uber-lofty re-make-the-world-I-live-in-and-how-I-live-with-it statements. I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS!

I have some huge items on that list. Hiking. Spending extra time at the cabin. Getting a job. Hopefully in that order because I’m pretty sure a new employer would not take kindly if I asked for two months off straight away.

These things, like my health, I am considering “goals”. By which I am defining with my quotations to mean, “Large end events that require much subsequent planning, details, support and additional spreadsheets. Maybe an App or two.”

But there are much more simple things that made the list as well. Things that perhaps came about while thinking about these larger goals. Some are hopes/ideals sprung from the vision I have for Tom and myself when we are living in something different than a breadbox 3 stories in the sky and his drive home is less than 8 hours.

These smaller, simpler items fall more into the “resolution” category. And all of them follow the basic theme of less and more.

More Birthdays. I am horrible at keeping in touch with people. Isn’t everyone? Yet each year I am constantly surprised by the number of emails, cards, calls, and texts I get from across the world on my birthday. It warms my heart. I want to do that for people. So this year I resolve to send real, true snail-mail cards for people’s birthdays.

Less water. I’m probably the only person in the world who needs to make this resolution. But I can drink between 7-9 liters a day. That’s 3-4 times your 8 a day. I’m not pre-diabetic. I’ve never had an adverse reaction or electrolyte imbalance. I started drinking lots of water in college when I battled the freshman 20 (I am an overachiever in EVERYTHING) and heard how good it was for losing weight. Then it kind of just morphed and ramped up. It’s possible it’s even a bit of a social crutch. Can’t think of anything to say? Suck on a straw and nod! But as much as Drs have not found anything bad associated with this phenomenon, I’m not seeing much good to it either. I fill up on water so much I don’t think I have a healthy gauge on what an empty/full stomach feels like. And at some point I’m just wasting water – the extra liters than go right through me PLUS the flush it takes to get rid of it. So I want to limit myself to 4-5 liters a day.

More Music. Once upon a time I owned a 51-rack CD player. The stereo was set up near the front door and I didn’t have cable. Instead of mindless TV as background noise, I hit “shuffle” and heard discs physically rotating from song to song. Now I own an old generation iPod Nano that has no off switch and a sound system that doesn’t support charging. It seems every time I think to hook the two up, the Nano is out of juice. I’m going to get better about charging it or get a new system that will eliminate this problem. Also, thanks to a generous Christmas gift card, I am buying 1 new song a week for my running/workout mixes. I should also resolve to sync the nano/computer/iPhone more often so I share this music. OK. Done.

Less recycling. Again with the bizarro world resolution. But this is also about more reducing and re-using. As I get pickier about the foods we eat, the containers they come in get simpler. We re-use any plastic bag or bag-like packaging for cleaning up around the house (I am very careful about ripping the smallest hole possible in the toilet paper packaging so it has future use). I have started saving glass containers to re-use instead of Tupperware. Our biggest recycling need these days is paper. Any advice on how to not get junk mail flyers is appreciated. My biggest waste right now is yogurt containers because my county recycling was created with the concern of food waste rotting in the dumpsters under the FL sun. So instead of being allowed to recycle plastic by coded number, I may pitch anything in that, “Has a neck.” WTF? The hardest thing for me about this resolution means I cannot willy-nilly shop for super-cheap produce at Aldi’s because most of it comes packaged in Styrofoam and cellophane.

More Reading. And less re-reading. I have three or four authors I adore and I rotate through their books as bedtime reading. I also tend to not tackle harder books because I was only reading at bedtime and I need soft, fluffy reading which does not hurt my head mentally or physically when I fall asleep and face plant into it. I’m trying to set aside some time during the day to read the heavy stuff and to use paperbackswap.com to come up with new material.

Less Email Checking. I will finally listen to all those productivity experts. I love, love, love my Smartphone and I believe it has enhanced my life a hundred fold. Just getting to play a game while waiting for the Dr eases my stress. And being able to listen to music, track my run AND have 911 easily available all on one device is priceless. But I have definitely gotten into the habit of checking email way too often. And for what? I work part-time. For my computer-less grandmother. My husband calls for everything and anything. My friends text for need-to-know-now information like if I’ve seen a black belt with a silver buckle since that Vegas trip. Email is a time suck. I hope to get in this habit now so that when I do land a job I can carry this over when it will mean I’m being more productive. Versus right now when it means I have more time to watch Netflix.

More Cooking. More crockpotting. More new ingredients. More new recipes. More menu planning. As I foray deeper and deeper into the desire to understand where my foods have come from and how they were created, I want to make sure this expands my food experience, not shrinks it. Over the holidays I had several recipe “crutches” that I just made and remade and froze and reheated. Yes, they are tasty. But it got boring. I am trying to shake up the taste buds. I also continually get stressed over Friday dinners because I volunteer in the morning/afternoon and am almost always too tired to prepare the planned meal. If only someone created a special pot wherein I could put ingredients in the morning and they would magically be a meal come evening…Sometimes I astound myself with these little “duh” moments.

So, if we pretend I told you all that at the beginning of January….I am doing pretty well on some fronts. I used the crockpot on two Fridays. I’ve made my own pizza crust, scones, and doughnuts.

I’m into Serious Book #2 (Nim Chimpsky). Yes, most of my serious books will revolve around animals – captive or wild.

Thanks in part I’m sure to my decision to not drink for the 1st month of the year, I haven’t had to do any glass recycling in 2012. And I’m down to every-other-week on the other recycling.

I’ve sent out 4 birthday cards so far although I did realize one glitch in my plan…I thought it would be a nice way to catch up with people I don’t talk to often. But then I had my first opportunity to do so and it felt very weird to write all about myself in a card supposedly sent to celebrate the other person. So I just fell back on writing about how long we’d been friends and awesome, yay, happy birthday.

I have no idea how I’m doing on the water. I think better. My main gauge right now is to not re-fill water bottles immediately but try and drink through all of them (I have 3-4) and take note of that before I double-dip for the day.

I need to work on the email checking. I have no real tangible goal for this. Do I get to check it at certain times of the day? Only a certain number of times? Right now I am going for, “Don’t check email while driving.” Yeah. I suck.

My nano is still un-synced for 2012. But I’ve gotten a little better about charging it and playing it while I’m working around the house. And I have kept up with buying myself a new song almost every week. This week I had to skip because I bought two songs last week. In a I-must-hear-it-now fit, I downloaded “Domino” by Jessie J last Friday.

We’ll work on better taste in 2013.

Dear Girl in the gym who needed to pull down her shorts and up her shirt to prod at her flat stomach in the mirror,

I was going to be all snippy and say things like I can bench press you and I may be fat but at least I can do math.

But your skinny ass looked so damn critical and annoyed and unhappy.  So honey, let me back up the snark and say that you don’t need to go to the gym to worry about those things.  Do that in your house.  At the gym, worry about how your body feels.

Hugs,

The pudgy girl sweating buckets on the elliptical who left with a smile on her face because her body felt awesome.

PS.  Get some 34DDs.  With the right bra and shirt combo, you can be 5 months pregnant and look like you have flat abs.

——-

Dear Target,

You disappoint.  And FYI: no one’s interested in bright red food utensils made in China.

Sincerely,

The lady who kept most of her money to give to a different store.

——

Dear Whole Foods,

You do not disappoint.  How much would it cost to let me in after hours, turn on all the bulk spigots, and roll around in it?

Luv,

A woman who is frufru enough to buy quinoa and whole wheat pastry flour but also frugal enough to not pay frufru prices

—-

Dear Shoulder,

What.  The.  Fuck.  I get it.  No more iPhone games until you’re feeling better.  Now feel better.  Damnit.

Yours Truly,

I mean it.

So far my 2012 has started with:

1) A gray hair in my EYEBROW.

2) A zit on my chin.

3) A wicked hangover everywhere else.

At least it’s shaping up to be a memorable year.

1) Can you believe I considered participating in NaNoBloMo?  This is post #4 for November.

2) I would also ask if you can believe I twisted my ankle, but I think we all know you’re not surprised.

3) I am not quite over my whirlwind traveling (which went something like Gainesville-Vegas-Gainesville-Chicago-Gainesville-Gainesville-Georgia-More Georgia-Gainesville).  I have never been so excited to NOT have plane tickets.

4) Tom and I scooted up to his parents’ for Thanksgiving.  And then promptly went camping for 3 days.

5) I am lucky he was such a poor visitor before we met.  Everyone is just happy we show up at all.

6) Except his grandmother.  Whose first words to me were how she never sees us.

7) Her second were how I never see my mother.  Whom I just saw (See #3, Chicago).

8) And yet even with a chip on my shoulder, I became grandmother’s champion for a new computer since she likes to play solitaire and reboots her old one 7 times a day.

9) Which means Tom and I will be headed back for Christmas.  Otherwise his grandmother will just have a nice big box on which to lay out a physical deck of cards.

10) I twisted my ankle somewhere on day 2 of hiking/camping.  It was pretty bad.  Not just some roll-stumble-recover deal.  Actually falling down and yelling OW.

11) I still managed about 4 more miles that day and day 3 (the walk from camp to car).

12) I felt pretty bad ass about that.  When I wasn’t feeling stupid for falling  in the first place.

13) I also felt relieved because with my ankle history, it was bound to happen sometime.  Good to know I can recover.

13 1/2) (Dear Ankles, Please do not take that as a challenge.  Love you!)

14) Of course it does means I am not running again.

15) Bleargh.

16) But I do highly suggest hiking 20ish miles in prep for Thanksgiving.  We got back just in time to shower and slide into our chairs.

17) Then it was EATIN’ TIME!  Although let’s just say a Yankee Thanksgiving is very different from a southern Thanksgiving.  It kinda seemed like everyone had a competition to see how much hard boiled egg they could put into a recipe.

18)  Somehow I managed to fill my plate twice anyhow.

19) My mom has decided to visit neither of us (me or bro) for the holidays.  It will be her last in the old house and she doesn’t want the hassle.

20) We’re not visiting her because we just did.  And we don’t want the hassle.  Who knows, this may be my last Christmas in this condo. (Fingers crossed)  I’ll soak up at the sun and lack of snow while I can.

21) But we’re all still in touch more because I got everyone addicted to Words With Friends.

22) Thank goodness for nerdy, wordy, tech-savvy family.

Since coming home from Vegas, I have suffered the following:

1) Major stomach aches  (Monday I worked around the house but by afternoon felt too zonked to drive so I ate all the proccessed snacks Tom had left around.  Yuck.)

2) A sprained ankle/shin splints (I stumbled off the curb walking the dog on Monday.)

3) Raging sinus infection.  This one I did not even recognize until over half a day in.  What’s with this headache?  And when did someone pack a bowling ball in my right eye socket?

I’d say I’m lucky in that the infection truly seems content to remain in my sinus cavity.  No cough, no fever, no nothing else.

So I would say that, if the pressure in my skull would allow for coherent speech.

And if I weren’t so scared of jinxing myself for tomorrow.

1)  I am down to just two to-do lists!

2) I’ll be down to one once I get the airport this afternoon!

3) I’m pretty sure these lists suck though since I couldn’t think of anything to add to my “Chicago To Do” until this morning.

4) And I’m unsure of how to cross off “call sitter – figure out when we need her” because

5) We came home to Spike having bloody, hard to pass urine.

6) I don’t blame her for that, but on the other hand obviously having someone stop in was not as soothing to him as previously thought.  (We have a huge water fountain, automatic feeders, and two huge + 1 regular litter boxes, so leaving the cats to fend for themselves for 1-2 days is often a valid choice)

7) It was stressful to have him prescribed twice-a-day meds less than 24 hours before I had to drive up to Gainesville.  I managed to time it out to dose him 7 hours apart.  Then I thought about him constantly while going over medical paperwork with Grandma.

8) But I came home to non-bloody urine in the kitchen sink which was awesome because

9) Hello, not bloody.  And

10) He’d been peeing bloody urine in the bathroom sink which is easier to jump up to.  So he must be feeling better to reach the kitchen counter!

11) What with me leaving on a Thursday and not returning until Tuesday, Tom and I will go almost 2 weeks without seeing each other.

12) And then someone has to go get the dog which we could do together but would mean leaving Spike alone and I will not be sold on that idea until I get back next week.

13) I could in theory drive up and get the dog after driving straight from Gainesville from the airport (OK, not literally.  But almost) to take my grandmother for her surgeon consult.

14) Just typing it makes my blood pressure rise.

15) I have evidently become a huge wimp.  Because that just described at most 14 hours of travel spanned out over 4 days with almost bat-shit else to do in between.  (Although it does mean another 4 days straight away from home which is a little stressful what with the peeing and all.)

16) In all fairness, I have always been a huge wimp.  I am a fan of incremental planning.  If I were building the great wall of China, I would not make a picture of the entire wall.  I’d offer up 5 feet and let them know how much I could do in the next progress report.

17) This is why I never want to become a manager.  I am not a “Big Picture” person.  I like the trees, not the forest.

18) I also like actually doing things versus sitting around feeling accomplished because other people are doing things.

19) I think I’m a little scared that I’ll be sad going to the farm and Dad’s not there.

20)  No good segue to that one.  Took me 19 fucking lines to figure out that was bothering me so once I got there, I ran with it.

21) It’s silly to be scared about being sad and I’m fine with being sad because I’m a late-mourner so I’m aware I haven’t full taken-in what his death means to me, but I just don’t want to have it all come out on my mom.

22) She’s probably a little bummed herself and doesn’t need that shit.

23) In general I haven’t been psyched about this trip, so hopefully that means it will be kick-ass.  I’ve rarely not had fun that the farm. 

24) At least I’m pretty sure I won’t have to sleep on any down pillows that cause my sinus infection to return.  Thank you, hotel check-in preferences, for proving how useless you really are.

25) I packed some of that super-duper decongestant just in case.

26)  Time for lunch!  Gotta love cleaning out the fridge.  Think I should down the last glass of wine?

27) The cats might knock it off the counter otherwise.

28) Ya know, when they’re trying to pee.

29) Argh.  Also, meh.  (So I guess I’ll have some whine after all!  WHY must we just have put down our most unhealthiest, neediest cat only to have another one take her place?  Spike isn’t even 5!  Stop peeing like an old man!)

30) In another segue-less point (which, isn’t that why this is a list?  To be able to spew the randoms without the need for connectivity?), while I haven’t been able to lose more weight this month I seem to be doing a good job holding steady.

31) And having this much time off makes me realize how crazy my old workout routine was.

32) So I am looking forward to a new, slightly less-insane, plan of attack for June.

33) It does help to pack my skinniest pair of jeans and wear them often.  They are not quite so bad that I can’t breath while sitting down, but I definitely don’t think of them as “eatin’ pants”.

34) Sadly, a lot of my other pants fall in that category because I’m too cheap to buy in-between pants.

35) So I’d better get off my ass and lose the rest of this weight so I can buy some damn pants that fit.

36) Maybe next time I write I’ll share, “Farming, how to lose 15 lbs in a week!”

37) Or maybe not.  But I am trying to figure out how to bring protein powder in my luggage without getting a narcotics rap.

38) Until I’m done with farming or my jail time, watch out for bloody urine, down pillows, and eatin’ pants!  Downfalls of civilization, I tell ya!

**This list is inappropriate in content, structure, grammar and possibly gravity.  I suggest not reading.

1) Zulu, our Bengal cat, died.  And no death should be trivialized in a list, except that

1a) she lived 4 years longer than expected, with a good quality of life.  You could not ask for more.

1b) I already wrote a post about her for the volunteers at the sanctuary (where she came from).  And while it is not something I mind sharing here, I rarely cross post.

2) Our upstairs hallway was Zulu’s domain.  It has a nice plant ledge looking out into the livingroom that has always been a cat favorite.  After she passed I cleaned the hallway, removed her feeding station, washed the ledge bedding, and moved the litter pan to a more neutral location (it had been smack dab in the middle of the hall with bed/feed station on either end).  The other cats had no problem going upstairs when Zulu was alive for the purpose of

2a) eating Zulu’s leftover food.

2b) using Zulu’s litter box.

2c) tormenting Zulu/getting their ass kicked by Zulu (mood and health dependent).

Zulu has been gone 5 days now and I have only found evidence of the upstairs litter being used once.  This is both frustrating and exciting. 

2d) Anyone with multiple cat boxes in their home can related to how freeing the idea is of one less litter box.

2e) But if I had a choice I’d get rid of the kitchen litter box instead of the upstairs one.

2f) Except that it is a bitch to climb the stairs every day to clean it so maybe I should be happy with the possible status quo.

2g) It’s just sad to think that perfect cat ledge might go to waste.  I bet if I put a plant there that sucker would be dead in 24 hours and the spot claimed.

3) As a follow up to the garden, I prepared some hanging plant bags this morning for my seedlings.  After I filled them with soil, I watered them and found a decent place for them to lay horizontal for a bit before actually planting and hanging per the directions.  As I finished and a little water dribbled onto the floor I muttered, “Well, you certainly didn’t do that as well as you usually do…”  Then I stopped for a moment and reflected

3a)  It was the first time I had EVER done that.  How could I know how well I usually do it?

3b)  I’ve never seen these planter be used period.  How do I know that’s not the best way those planters have ever been filled/watered/layed horizontal?

3c) I really am hard on myself.

3d) But I totally could have done better.  Like I usually do.

4) I don’t really have a fourth thing I was going to talk about but since I feel 3d) was a weak ending I’ll go ahead and tell you guys Tom and I plan another overnight camping trip this weekend.

4a) To a place we’ve never hiked before.

4b) Have I ever mentioned our knack for getting lost?

4c) But Tom found a GPS app for the iPhone so we will totally know where we are at all times.

4d) All times we have signal that is.

4e) And until the battery dies.

4f) It will probably be helpful to know where we are in relation to things such as the campsite, the trailhead, and the rest of the hike, but whatever.

In reality, I have found that when I don’t speak up and let him read the map it’s better for us all around.  I can be very bitchy until I have my way convincing and the fact that I’m one smart ass cookie means he takes my ideas into consideration even though

4g) I have not paid attention to the map until that point.

5) We were supposed to camp this past weekend but the end of my week sucked with

5a) Zulu dying

5b) on the same day tornados came through

5c) which sandwiched my 12 bazillion chores into one day instead of two.

And on Tuesday the wall mounted bookcase decided enough of that and came crashing down.  At 1:30 in the morning.  I was on the lookout for our downstairs neighbors the next day or two to explain and apologize, but when I finally saw the guy 4 days later he swished right past me (and he is not a swishy guy) so I’m thinking they heard it and didn’t appreciate.

5d) But the point is, that left 3 holes and several scrapes along the only painted wall in the livingroom.  And while I was willing to let it go and repair after our camping trip, when everything else came crashing down (metaphorically.  Evidently my furniture provides literal foreshadowing!) we opted to stay home, patch, and repaint.

5e) We did a pretty awesome job.

5f) And didn’t kill each other.

5g) Which is why I married him in the first place.  When you find someone with whom you can

5h) spend 48 hours straight

5i) do major home/car repair

5j) bring home random surprise animals who you swear will keel over in 6 months but then survive past several relatives and yet he/she agrees to having fried chicken as your after-hike meal all the time because it’s the animal’s favorite treat

5k) marry that person.

6) Enough said.

So, for those not in the know, I work a non conventional part-time job driving up to my grandmother’s once a week to help her with chores, take her out to eat, and bring her a movie to watch.  Yes, I’m expensing my netflix account on my taxes. 

About a year ago, her cataracts were very bad and I started this gig with the idea that I might transition her to a true assisted-living facility.  Instead, I saw her through surgery and correct eye wear purchases and while she is not as independent as she was before (girl’s gonna be 90 in June, she’s allowed to slow down), she has adapted her life such that for the near future she’ll stay in her apartment.  (The apartment is in a retirement community that provides certain amenities to facilitate this.)

ANYWAY, that was a long-ass paragraph to sum up two points:  1) pretty obvious why I’m looking for full-time employment elsewhere and 2) while I do draw a salary from this endevour, Tom makes twice as much as I do. 

Tom also travels almost 100% for work.  So you add all that together, and it’s pretty clear who should be pulling most of the domestic duties around here.

Where is that pool boy, anyhow?

After months of slaving away where I spot cleaned the walls, mopped the floors, and dusted the ceiling fans – EVERY WEEK – Tom not only did not notice my efforts, he admitted he felt we weren’t equal partners.

I threw my hands up and sulked for a month or so.  I call that period, “The Bones month”, because I probably spent a good portion of my non work/volunteer time watching seasons 1 – 5.  I suppose we could also categorize it as “The dust bunny month” and “The month you should not walk barefoot in my house”.

But even I can get skeeved out at a mess and feel slothful.  So I set about to work smarter, not harder.  It didn’t take much observation to realize Tom only had a few domestic ideals I needed to adhere to in order for there to be (perceived) equality and harmony in our situation.

And herein lies the rule of the 3 Gs.  As long as these 3 things have been accomplished by the time Tom’s bags hit the kitchen floor, he believes I am doing my fair share.  I hope in passing on this wisdom I can bring peace to other domestic squabbles and allow people more time to watch TV.

1)  Garbage.  The man cannot stand to take out the garbage.  The morning before he comes back, I take it out or at the very least check that it is not too full or too smelly to see us through the weekend.  When the odd chance pops up that the garbage needs attending while he’s home, I do it or at the very least be the one to remember and handle it when we’re heading out somewhere.

2)  Gas.  I am the type of person who knows how many miles I can really get from my car when the gas light comes on.  My trip thingy even includes a DTE guesstimate, but I have long since realized I can push it at least twice as far as the original warning.  28.5 miles my ass.  For Tom, 1/4 tank means PANIC DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON GET TO STATION NOW.  And my car is the nicer, more luxury car so it is the one we use over the weekends, and the one Tom will use if given a choice.  If I want him to think I am a responsible, sane person who is dutifully taking care of hearth and home while he’s away, it will have at least a 1/2 tank Friday afternoon.

3)  Groceries.  This one, I will admit, I don’t think is an absolute must.  There are times when Tom doesn’t mind, even enjoys, a trip out for provisions.  But for the most part, he prefers these outings to not be a neccessity.  He cannot come home to no toilet paper, low on peanut butter, or the statement, “Let’s eat out for the next 72 hours!”.  And woe on to me if there is no diet soda in the house.

Granted, there is a tad bit more I achieve every week – some Friday rituals for a spic-n-span house (at a squinty, far away glance.  Which is the eyesight setting through which I believe most men observe their domain).  But really he’ll only notice if I get frustrated with him making a mess of things.

Just don’t check my ceiling fans.