I remember nothing about being 10 years-old. That’s…5th grade? Oh lord, if that is fifth grade then hold onto your hats people. This blog is about to need a brassiere (no training necessary) and gain a bunch of weight despite subsisting on nothing but string cheese and CapriSun. Might get a little drama queen-ish up in here.*
10 years ago I was in a failing marriage. It was hard not feel like a failure because of that.**
I had taken his last name and all of my email addresses, correspondence, and ID felt like lies. I was a fraud by paper, plastic, and IP.
I wasn’t ready to go back to my maiden name. In part because, well, you can’t just decide to do that. I was still married and my name was still his. I didn’t want to perpetuate the lying further.
And so I came up with the online persona of Jessica In Progress.
In celebration of 10 years, I have made public my first post ever. You may read it if you wish.
And I dug around on this laptop for something old yet new; borrowed yet blue.
“OK Fine. I’ll admit it. I’ve been thinking about NotTom***. Have a bit of an urge to email him, actually. And maybe I could. But I’ve got a chalkboard with a line down the middle and the tally is definitely in his favor.
I instigated the last round of emails (point NotTom), he did the breaking off of whatever the hell we were (point NotTom), and while I gave him a Christmas present (I bought it before the break up. Perhaps I should have just thrown it away?) all I received was my stuff back (point NotTom – although perhaps I deserve half a point in that he didn’t get his stuff back).
He’s the one who suggested our breakfast (point Moi). That’s all I’ve got. You may think me immature and snotty for this tit-for-tat mentality (although if it were literally tit-for-tat, I’d have a lot more marks on the board!). But the truth is, I am always the one to bridge the gap, send the overdue email, make the unexpected call. If I don’t keep score, it will be bottom of the ninth, 239 to 0, and I’ll keep making desperate fouls.
And the truth is, he does have the upper hand. You don’t need the chalkboard to sum it up; you just have to read through my blog to know that I’d fall for him again in a minute.”
*For those unaware the entire quote is, “I hate being a drama queen but I seem Unable to Relinquish the Crown.” I said it in route to a movie with friends just after canceling a long-distance weekend trip to see a boy. That was supposed to occur in six hours.
**I no longer feel like a failure at marriage. Even that one. I do regret not loving him and myself enough to admit when things were wrong and trying to fix them sooner. Or bailing sooner.
***When I originally wrote this, I did not call him NotTom. Obviously. But the point is (now) not about a specific person. In many ways, it never was. It was about a specific feeling and writing well enough to share that feeling with you. After 10 years, have I succeeded? Let’s give it another ten and see…