He used a ton of unnecessary references in his email. “My youngest sister”, “My other niece”, etc. before mentioning them by name.
I’d love to remind him not only of my incredible (and annoying at times) memory, but also the fact that just two months ago we were close enough that their names dropped from our tongues as if speaking about mutual friends rather than his family whom I never met.
But I won’t.
He seemed to ignore the real reason I wrote him. I know Thanksgiving is not a happy time for him and I wanted to make sure he’d reach out for a friend if he needed one.
I’d love ask, “Did you see your father?” because I know him well enough to realize he needs some prodding to speak of such things and might thank me later.
But I won’t.
I’ll answer his questions and inquire on his decision to speed up his schooling. I won’t mention my upcoming trip. I won’t mention the fact that I can read through the lines no matter how much he edits.
My intuition always awed him, but also freaked him out.
I was eager to show him how much I understood. It made me feel special when his voice would get soft and shaky every time I gave him a peek inside his own thoughts. I’ll admit it, I showed off a little.
I missed how much he didn’t understand. And how much I didn’t as well. I remember thinking, “Did he realize I was just joking?” “Why didn’t he tell me about her before?” “Why didn’t he ask about the necklace?” “How can this work?”
I brushed them aside, stuffed them in a journal, and chalked them up to nerves and insecurities. And in hindsight, that wasn’t very honest of me. I should have shared those questions, they were part of my intuition as well.
So, now I’m going to trust my intuition and keep my mouth shut (or keyboard un-touched?). Because I can only do so much. I might not like it, he might not even like it, but it’s what fair to us right now. Because I’m not allowed to ask those questions I brushed aside anymore.
I don’t believe in second chances. I believe in one chance that stretches for a lifetime. There is no do-over. There is no clean slate. There is only learning, forgiveness, and time.