1) Can you believe I considered participating in NaNoBloMo?  This is post #4 for November.

2) I would also ask if you can believe I twisted my ankle, but I think we all know you’re not surprised.

3) I am not quite over my whirlwind traveling (which went something like Gainesville-Vegas-Gainesville-Chicago-Gainesville-Gainesville-Georgia-More Georgia-Gainesville).  I have never been so excited to NOT have plane tickets.

4) Tom and I scooted up to his parents’ for Thanksgiving.  And then promptly went camping for 3 days.

5) I am lucky he was such a poor visitor before we met.  Everyone is just happy we show up at all.

6) Except his grandmother.  Whose first words to me were how she never sees us.

7) Her second were how I never see my mother.  Whom I just saw (See #3, Chicago).

8) And yet even with a chip on my shoulder, I became grandmother’s champion for a new computer since she likes to play solitaire and reboots her old one 7 times a day.

9) Which means Tom and I will be headed back for Christmas.  Otherwise his grandmother will just have a nice big box on which to lay out a phsyical deck of cards.

10) I twisted my ankle somewhere on day 2 of hiking/camping.  It was pretty bad.  Not just some roll-stumble-recover deal.  Actually falling down and yelling OW.

11) I still managed about 4 more miles that day and day 3 (the walk from camp to car).

12) I felt pretty badass about that.  When I wasn’t feeling stupid for falling  in the first place.

13) I also felt relieved because with my ankle history, it was bound to happen sometime.  Good to know I can recover.

13 1/2) (Dear Ankles, Please do not take that as a challenge.  Love you!)

14) Of course it does means I am not running again.

15) Bleargh.

16) But I do highly suggest hiking 20ish miles in prep for Thanksgiving.  We got back just in time to shower and slide into our chairs.

17) Then it was EATIN’ TIME!  Except…his family?  They make cornbread stuffing with boiled eggs in it.  And no pumpkin pie.  Or sweet potatoes.  It was like everyone was on a no-sugar/no flavor/bring on the extra eggs (I found whole slices in the asparagus casserole???) diet.

18)  Somehow I managed to fill my plate twice anyhow.

19) My mom has decided to visit neither of us (me or bro) for the holidays.  It will be her last in the old house and she doesn’t want the hassle.

20) We’re not visiting her because we just did.  And we don’t want the hassle.  Who knows, this may be my last Christmas in this condo. (Fingers crossed)  I’ll soak up at the sun and lack of snow while I can.

21) But we’re all still in touch more because I got everyone addicted to Words With Friends.

22) Thank goodness for nerdy, wordy, tech-savvy family.

Sometime in the spring when I felt very out of control and frustrated and at a loss for what to do next, I bought a flip-top pad of graph paper and a package of blue gel-ink pens.

These two things make me happy.  I love to write on graph paper.  I love to write with blue gel-ink pens.  Voila.  All my problems were solved.

OK.  Not quite.  But I did use them to work towards solving things.  I made lists.

Lots and lots of lists.

Lists of things to do daily.  Do weekly.  Do monthly.  A checklist for my Gma visit.  A must-have-in-the-fridge starter list for groceries.  The menu for the week.

But I did not end up with graph paper and gel-ink in hand because I was unaware the cat litter needed daily cleaning or I should pack dress shoes to take Gma to dinner.  Nor was it the case that I had so much free time on my hands that I needed to sit down and really think of what to do next.

I was there because the world had turned cancerous and uninterested in my resume and adament I hold on to the last 15 lbs of fat keeping me from feeling normal.

I did not need a to-do list to look at in the evening and think of how I had failed again.  But I did need to document life to the effing bagillionth degree.  I needed that much control.

So, instead of calling it a to-do list, I labeled the first sheet “An Ideal World”.

In an indeal world, everyday the dishes, clothes, kitchen counters, and floors have all had some attention to avoid disasters.

In an ideal world, everyday I floss, moisturize with SPF, and shower.

In an ideal world, everyday I write something, read something fun, read something serious, and play with each and all of the pets.

I never cross off or check mark these items.  They are not to be tossed away with new priorities the next day.  This list may evolve but it’s presence is to remind me of the important, concrete goals I can accomplish every day to make my life happy, healthy and sane.

Today is the first day in several months I’ve looked at the list.  It felt good.

Him:  Do you want to come along?

Me:  No.  If I had known there was an emergency errand to run I could have already been wearing pants.  Instead I want to lie here, pantless, drink my own mucsus, and strew over the gross lack of misscommunication.

Him:  Are you sure?  Because you sound like you’re wavering.

Since coming home from Vegas, I have suffered the following:

1) Major stomach aches  (Monday I worked around the house but by afternoon felt too zonked to drive so I ate all the proccessed snacks Tom had left around.  Yuck.)

2) A sprained ankle/shin splints (I stumbled off the curb walking the dog on Monday.)

3) Raging sinus infection.  This one I did not even recognize until over half a day in.  What’s with this headache?  And when did someone pack a bowling ball in my right eye socket?

I’d say I’m lucky in that the infection truly seems content to remain in my sinus cavity.  No cough, no fever, no nothing else.

So I would say that, if the pressure in my skull would allow for coherent speech.

And if I weren’t so scared of jinxing myself for tomorrow.

This week Tom is working locally.  I will be flying to Vegas for a conference Thursday night and he’ll be the one stuck at home alone for the weekend.

This means he’ll realize how cushy my life really is when he’s out of town.  I suspect it will be extra cushy since we have different definitions of “clean house”.

(The conference is for something so hush-hush in my life I didn’t even consider writing about it.  Until we finish the big hike next year, I am not putting too much energy into planning our next great move in life.  But suffice to say, after the hike we may be helping get a new organization off the ground and this conference is a step to learning the steps.)

I woke up this morning feeling dizzy.  Just slightly.  Just enough that I need to make a conscious effort to focus and make sure I’m seeing things straight.  I’ve eaten, taken my blood pressure (normal), and managed a small drive down side streets to run a few necessary errands.  It’s getting no worse, but also no better.  I’m stressing about it, which I’m sure isn’t helping.

Of course, I’m not stressed that I have a strange symptom that could lead to some horrible illness.  I’m just pissed off it’s making me less productive during a week when I actually have shit that needs doing.

I have a few posts in the works…my running post was nixed for a while because I developed shin splints and could barely hobble.  Yes, I know that did not hinder my ability to TYPE.  But it is depressing to try and write about how much you kick ass when you feel like you are on the other end of that phrase.

After playing with various variables, I think I have finally figured out that it was my cute-but-thin running socks.  They allow my feet to move too much inside my shoe so my orthotics doesn’t hit my foot right.

I’d make some “gee, orthotics I must be old” joke but I’ve been wearing them since I was 21.  I’ve been your grandma since I was legal drinking age.  The orthotics go nicely with my gray hair.

(I was with a friend recently who pointed out I was the youngest of our group.  “Yes, the youngest but with the most gray hair!”  And I think that statement holds true even if I wasn’t also the laziest and cannot be bothered to get my dye on.)

I’ve also made some huge changes to my diet.  I’m “juicing” (making my own fresh vegetable and fruit juice, usually replacing lunch or dinner with just juice) and in general eating a shit-ton of produce.  But the plan is to do this for a month to see if it has the desired effects so I’m still in research mode.  Except I will share that today my fridge is filled with collard greens, kale, kiwi, granny smith apples, cucumber, carrots, celery, red onion, oranges, ginger root, and a lemon.  Not to mention the big bag of salad, half
an avocado and 2 cups of broccoli I finished off yesterday.

Having a fridge full of fruits and veggies is one of my favorite things.  And whiskers on kittens are pretty neat, but they have nothing on the fact that today I *finally* *finally* cleaned the new girl tiger who is angry and scared of the whole world with out her charging, roaring, and leaping onto the cage wire.  I even took my lunch out there and sat in her eye sight and by the time I was done she was peaking out of her den.  I could see the tail flicking behind her, just ready to show me how big and bad she is if I made the wrong move.  But I didn’t.  I just explained to her that the peach yogurt is my least favorite in the variety pack so I was eating it first because I like saving the best for last.

(Talking to angry/scared animals will get them used to you.  Some people read magazines to the cats.  I just share my inner train-of-thought magazine.)

In fact, today was pretty much full of my favorite things.  I got up and exercised early.  (No running again yet, but I did sweat buckets on the elliptical with my orthotics and 1980s puffy gym socks)  Had my usual blueberry/green smoothie. (Although I made it with collard greens instead of spinach because a friend mentioned she liked it that way.  Collard greens are definitely NOT one of my favorite things and will not be making an encore performance in the In Progress kitchen.)  Got my shit together and out the door on time.  Started the Roomba too and it actually cleaned today instead of pouting by the cat litter.  Had a good time cleaning/ not being mauled at the sanctuary.  Ran 6,497 errands on the way home and had them all play out exactly how I imagined.  Took a shower.  Vegged in front of the computer knowing I had accomplished so much I could goof off the rest of the day.  There is nothing better than that feeling.

My mom flies in tonight.  Part of the reason for the 7,892 errands.  She’s just tagging along on my regularly-scheduled Gma trip this week.  Everything is very up in the air about Gma’s condition.  But she’s feeling pretty normal right now and it is awesome that Mom will get to visit and see her.

But for now, I have to go juice some kale.  Do you know how much protein is in kale?  A lot for something that resembles grass.  Wait.  How much protein is in grass?  Anyway, kale has definitely become one of my favorite things.

When something is NAMED for another thing, isn’t it a requirement that the other thing be somehow related to the first thing?  Like if you name some mountains after porcupines, there is a legal obligation that porcupines reside on said mountains?

I cannot believe I have seen a bear in the wild and not yet a porcupine.

ANYWAY.

When we were not busy burying my father or drinking beer, we took three days to hike/camp in the porcupine mountains.  It’s right on Lake Superior in the UP of MI, about 2 hours from the WI cabin.  WTF?

Sorry, got carried away with the initializing.

First, I am going to own up in a very vague way because it turns out there are even topics I believe are too personal/gross/boring to blog about.

Womens, in case you didn’t know, have a very special time of the month.  And that time, while special, is also difficult.  It can be difficult to not feel like a hero for making it to the couch before laying down.  Especially difficult to not shove chocolate or potato chips or chocolate covered potato chips in their mouths non stop.

Jessica In Progress, dispensing with stereotypes since 2011.

My special time coincided nicely with the hike.  The hike where we were without privies or running water or chocolate covered potato chips.

In our planning for hiking the AT I did some research on how I wished to handle this special time and I have been actively preparing for this.

However.

Let’s just say it’s a wee bit different actually out on a 3-day hike with your period than sitting at home thinking about a 3-day hike on your period.  And there were some TECHINICAL DIFFICULTIES.  Perhaps some pants needed some washing.  And I can’t believe I am thirty fucking six and admiting that I had this type of issue but I am and I did so there we all are.

ANYWAY.

The TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES took place our first day.  And besides slight embarrassment and huge paranoia throughout the rest of the trip, it really wasn’t that bad.  For me, I mean.  Tom had to listen to my paranoia for the next 48 hours which was probably excruiating, but on the other hand he wasn’t continuously bleeding so maybe we were about even in the end.

I did take away some VERY valuable lessons learned from the experience and that’s the point of these small hikes.

Other Lessons Learned:

1) Couscous is the most amazing hiking dinner ever.  Easy to cook and so tasty and filling!  I try pretty hard to not get ideas for food that wouldn’t be easy to find in a regular supermarket/convenience store.  No point in dehydrating gourmet organic meals for us if we can’t have them on the thru-hike.  But couscous is mainstream now, right?  Right??  Otherwise, we are going to need to line up some couscous suppliers.

2) I have finally, finally, finally figured out how/where to carry everything in/on/strapped to my pack.  It sounds like a no-brainer but it’s not.  The biggest concession I made was in the beginning I was adamant I did not want to strap large items to the outside of my pack.  I have an appropriately-sized pack for light-weight thru-hiking (a GoLite Quest) and I felt if I started allowing items to be strapped on the outside it meant I was carrying way too much stuff.

But when I chose my sleeping pad, I did not realize how difficult it was to compress it to store in a stuff sac.  After 3 trips of cursing and glaring at Tom because he had the audacity to breath in my general direction while trying to stuff my sleeping pad first thing in the morning, I decided to try just rolling it tight and strapping it to the side of my pack.  It was awesome.

3)  Tom.  Is.  Slow.  Fingers crossed it was just because we hadn’t been hiking lately and he’s not conditioned to the trail.  Otherwise we are going to need way more than 6 months to thru-hike.

4) Letting Tom set the pace so much made me realize how much I probably push him.  And I’d much rather hold myself back and still have energy to do the camp chores.

5)  I am even more convinced that I do not want to live in FL for much longer.  I appreciate the hiking opportunities we’ve had, but I’m sick of sand and scrub.  Trees!  Glorious Trees!

6) Stick close to privies during my special time.  Or suffer TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

I apologize for leaving the “Dear Dad” post up so long.  I always want to follow it with something witty and upbeat.  And I’m just not feeling it.

Part of it I’m sure is the yearly let down of leaving the cabin in the north woods.  It has not been so bad this year.  I have not bombarded Tom with pleas for us to purchase the old time-y souvenir picture business that has been left vacant for 2 years on main street.

(Side note: this is where we have the closest thing to a wedding photo as I am in a white dress in our civil war recreation photo)

But I still miss it dearly.  (The cabin, not the business.)  The cabin isn’t insulated so it’s not like I can just up and go whenever.  We closed the cabin for the season while we were there.  I struggled hard with the idea that maybe I could squeeze in one more trip in September/October but again…reality.  Bleh.

We also came home to several small snafus.  I guess a huge one still looms.  Our AC started to not cool as well.  Again.  To the third power.  Second verse same as the first.  A little bit louder and a little bit more expensive.  We have used one more stop gap hail mary suggestion that as I type this and stare at the thermometer sitting in the wall register does not appear to have worked.  I’ll hold off on calling the tech again until the situation escalates because the next step is a complete bank-buster.  Almost as much as a new unit.

(The AC just kicked on again and the temp dropped to an acceptable level so maybe all is well?  Fingers crossed?  It’s exhuasting as shit to be paranoid about the AC cycling.)

Since I’ve been back, I got Gma enrolled in the hospice system.  I’m not sure what she will need in terms of medications and care to make this decline not so horrible, but they do.  My mom is going to visit in mid October, so that gives Gma something to look forward to.  This week we are picking up her new hearing aid.  My biggest fear is that she is going to just be confused and frustrated about how to use it.

I went to a girl’s night last Friday that was absolutely wonderful and just what I needed.  But in telling the updates of my life, someone would ask, “Will you still go hiking if Tom gets a new position and you have to move?”  and I’d explain contingency plans A and B. “What about your grandmother?  What happens if you move?  What happens if you hike?”  Contingency plans C & D.

I feel like I’m up to double letter contingency plans but with zero tried and true plans.  I’ve had so much thrown at me to prepare for the worst that I can’t even remember what it is I want to do with the best.

So, for better or worse, I’m just trying to be.  Sorry that means a boring, lame post sometimes.  We did a 3-day hike while at the cabin which was both awesome and horrifying and once I get back to a bit better me I promise I’ll share the details.

Dear Dad,

We buried your ashes on your 66th birthday.

That happened by coincidence.  All 5 of us were only there for 18 hours together.  But I guess it was fitting.

Originally Mom wanted to bury you in the blackberry place by the old logging railroad.  But that morning she asked if maybe we should just bury you at the cabin, since Mark and I were going to keep it in the family.  While I know you really loved the farm more than the cabin, it seemed fitting as well.

Your ashes and both wedding rings are buried near your old sailboat.  There is no marker, no rock or symbol or tree planted over top of you.  I pointed out this meant we’d end up tramping over you with the canoe or firewood or what-have-you.  Everyone agreed that was fine.  And fitting.  You will be a silent helper in the ground with these tasks.

You made me smile while we were there.  Tom told Mom a story about how I fall asleep reading and then wake up very indigent exclaiming, “I’M STILL READING” if he tries to put away my book or turn out the light.  Mom laughed very hard and said, “Just like her father!”

I hope I am like you in many ways.   I would love to know that I have your brains, your courage, and your heart.  But hearing that I have your fanatical and annoying bedtime reading habit was wonderful.  And fitting.

Love,

Your Daughter

Oh yeah…cancer.

I swear to you and my family and random strangers in the grocery store that I am trying to not ride a roller coaster or fret about every little thing.  But since my Gma is a big part of my life and she has cancer, there are only so many places I can hide.

Last Friday more tests results revealed that the cancer has spread.  And further away from the tumor site than originally thought.

She has decided no chemo.  I’m very content with this in the fact that 1) chemo cannot cure this kind of cancer, just supress it; 2) Gma took a lot of time making this decision and it was very informed; and 3) she is still healthy enough and with-it enough to make the decision herself.

This week she wanted to buy more muumuus since bloating often occurs as the lymph nodes grow.  But she also felt she needed new makeup, so she has definitely is not just laying around waiting to die.  Unless she just wanted to make sure she has a pretty face when she goes.  I didn’t ask.