Jessica In Progress

For the Love of Fuck

Christmas

December25

It’s 6:07am here in Tampa.  I think it’s going to be about 82 degrees today.  I’m struggling to wake up while the overnight french toast bakes.

I’ll be at the sanctuary by 7:30am, breakfast for the volunteers in hand.  If the rest of the week is any indication, I will get the honor and privilege of picking up poo and left over meat from our 3 new cats (2 tigers and a liger).  They are still on quarantine and most haven’t even gotten a glance at them yet.  Of course, even with cleaning and feeding them this week I’ve only really seen 2 of them.  I hope they get over the transport trauma soon and learn we are there to help them.

Once cleaning and feeding is done, I’ll come back to the condo to pack up for Gainesville.  If everyone is lucky I will take a minute to shower.  Two hours of driving, a little food with the family at Grandma’s, some present-opening, and then a two hour drive back.

I’ve been averaging about 3-4 hours sleep a night for maybe two weeks now.  So maybe I’m just delirious.  But right now I feel so blessed and lucky for a Christmas like this.

I hope where ever you are, whomever you are with, whatever you do, you feel the same way.  Merry Christmas.

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God Bless Him

December9

You might wonder…what’s being married to Jessica like?

I’d probably liken it to hell.  Or itchy too tight socks.

How would you like to be married to a woman who doesn’t believe in marriage?

A woman who will always put herself first, her job firster, and never apologize for it?

A woman who has just answered the phone, “I am trying to write a drunken post about how nice you are so what the fuck do you want?”

And yet…

I’m home stewing and drunk because of something that upset me.  Something I can do nothing about.  I can get over it, or completely change my life.

And damn if that man can’t make me get over it.

It almost makes a woman who doesn’t believe in marriage cry when she looks at the rings on her fingers.

Cheese and Whine

November30

So, I just deleted one of those “I’m in a funk and can’t figure out because life is pretty sweet and these small things shouldn’t add up to a hill of beans let alone a personality disorder” posts.

You know you need to shut the fuck up when you can’t stand to finish writing a sentence for yourself.

But, it’s also true.  I’m going through a rough patch.  Not surprisingly, in winter.  Not surprisingly, during the holidays that we’ve decided we won’t really be celebrating.

I used to blame bad history for these blues.  Then I blamed Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Then I thought maybe I am just one fucked up person.

I haven’t ruled that last one out.

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Something

November18

A few years ago I realized that I was growing up because I felt comfortable in my skin.

Now, I know I am a grown up because I am comfortable being uncomfortable in my skin.

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Roark

November10

I think we all know what it means when I actually get around to posting a picture, don’t we?

Roark 3

After many vet visits, four different meds twice a day, sub-Q fluids every other day, twice daily soakings of a leg that had swollen from blockage, Roark passed away during the night on Friday 11/7.

We’d finally taken to locking him in our bedroom so he could have access to food 24/7 without the other cats eating it.  Tom had brought him into bed and he was curled up on my side when I came in.  Roark moved down the foot of the bed but did not jump off as usual when he felt there wasn’t enough comforter to go around.

Tom woke first and I noticed Roark was at my feet, but it wasn’t until Tom came back to administer the morning soaking that we realized he was gone.

I have no other words.  I got Roark and Frisco at 6 weeks of age my sophomore year in college, fourteen years ago.  I always said that when they went, I would be need to be medicated.  I am numb and at a loss.  I am just thankful that Roark left us on his own terms, in his sleep.

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Dude

October31

I mean…dude.

I’d love to be more eloquent about the past month, but I just can’t.

The fundraiser, while a huge success from a logistics standpoint of that evening, did not garner quite the bucks people hoped for.  I can’t help it, I take it a little personally since I had such a role in several aspects of the planning.  More specifically, I see things that can definitely be improved and feel I might not get the chance to implement said changes.

The same week as the fundraiser, I got a call from GM while on a remote part of the sanctuary property stating a dauchand needed rescue that day - he was on death row.  Of course I called Tom, who of course said YES!, and of course the dauchand turned out to be a 45 lb weird basset hound/dauchand/rotreiller mix.  He’s way too big and energic for our household.  Luckily, I only signed up to foster him (with everyone thinking we’d fall so much in love that we’d “fail” and keep him).  Alas, we love him but don’t attend to fail.  It’s been very stressful and I am thankful that (fingers crossed) he appears to be going to a new mommy this Sunday.  What’s even better?  She lives in my condo complex!

A few days after that, we took Roark in for X-rays and got confirmation on what his blood work hinted at.  Cancer.  Lymphomas all through his body, including one impinging on nerves in his front left leg.  Chemo and radiation just sound cruel for a 14 year-old cat so it’s been a ton of drugs daily to keep him comfortable, bandaging the leg as it’s prone to swellings, force feeding at times to keep weight on him, and many many vet visits.

Perhaps the only reason I can write about it is that yesterday for the first time I found him downstairs and ready to eat with the rest of the pack.  I know it doesn’t mean anything - he’ll be leaving us soon - but it was such a joy to get that one memory of the cat he used to be.

Other than that, I’ve been sick.  Ill.  Coughing.  Hacking.  Sweating.  I can’t believe I got through the stress of the fundraiser only to have a complete physical meltdown.  I thought I’d finally get back to eating right, exercising, and wow my in-laws at Thanksgiving.  Now I’ll just be lucky if I can say hello to all my in-laws without leaving chunks of lung on them.

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More Forthcoming

October8

Large sanctuary fundraiser on Friday.

Large flood at site holding fundraiser auction items.

Lady is one week into her heartworm treatment - some heavy breathing here and there and fingers crossed.

Roark is limping and not eating - blood work pending.

Daschund rescued from death row of shelter turned out to be a 40 lb Bassett Hound/Rotreiller mix.

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Dachshunds R Us

September28

As you might know from reading Miss Doxie, dachshunds are contagious.  In fact, if Miss Doxie lived a little further south in Georgia and did not have so many teeth, I might think she was a distant in-law.

It started with Cinnamon, a little wiener dog some friend foisted upon Tom while he was still living in the same town as his parents.  I cannot remember the specifics of this foisting and Tom is in Oklahoma counting shit in a freezer (this pays well - evidently many people cannot count.  So, stay in school!  At least through 3rd grade!) so he is not available for clarification.  I am pretty sure it involved the friend going to drown/abandon/let loose the dog because this is how Tom gets all of his animals - if you listened to him, you’d think he never really wanted pets but he has just always been in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Like how you have traffic accidents?  He has pets.

Cinnamon lived in a pen outside his house and his father, also Tom, took a liking to her (have I ever mentioned that Tom is actually Tom Something Something the FOURTH?  Which FOURTH = you better sure as hell have kids - we have kept this jig up too long for you to fuck it up. He could not have married a woman more perfect for him and less perfect for his family.  But here we are).

Cinnamon also took a liking to Tom 3, to the point she’d just start escaping the pen and running down to their house.  When she didn’t, he would stop by and pick her up on his way to the fields for work.  After a few weeks of this, it became evident that Cinnamon had a new owner.

Then Tom got engaged, then his fiancé shot at him (guess what was included in our wedding vows?), then he moved to Alaska for a year.

When he came back, his parents decided he needed something waiting for him at home to tie him down a bit.  Since they could not afford a non-lethal-weapon-toting fiancé, they got him a dachshund, Busch.

From there, I get a bit hazy on the chronology.  His cousin got Luke, who ended up with his other cousin.  His aunt and uncle also got a dachshund.  And second to last, Luke’s owner decided he needed a playmate and Reilly came into our lives.

That’s 5 dachshunds in the family.

As you know, Busch passed away almost a year ago.  He attacked a timber rattlesnake and was gone in less than 20 minutes.  Funny enough, before he died I had been campaigning for Lady to come stay with us.  I wanted a quieter, more sedate, less needy dog.  Basically, I wanted a cat that woofed.  But after Busch was gone, I immediately felt the loss of character in our house and asked several times if we could get another dachshund.

(From a rescue facility of course.  If you are interested in owning a purebred, please look into your local rescue facilities.)

Tom always said no.  Another dachshund would remind him too much of Busch.

Busch was no spring chicken.  This meant of course that Cinnamon was even less springier and chickenier.  And a few weeks ago she had to be put to sleep.  While I was sorry to see her go, I know she had been in pain and I’m happy it’s been relieved.  I also immediately started scheming on how to get his parents to take the 3 feral kittens that had been living in my office - trapped off the road to the sanctuary, we’d had them spayed/vaccinated/etc. but could not adopt them out until they got a bit more accustomed to people.

I evidently did not scheme quick enough.  My mother-in-law sent me this picture yesterday.


Meet Buddy.  (I am also dumbfounded as to why I needed so much of my father-in-law’s crotch in a picture, but whatever…)

I forwarded it to Tom, who then got all sloppy and sentimental and drunk on the phone and professed his desire to have another little one of his own.

As long as he’s talking wiener dogs and not babies, I guess I’m good.

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It was 20 inches

September26

I really wanted to work that into the title of a mass email I sent out today.

016_13A

Please excuse the picture quality - it’s a print screen from the podcast we did for the sanctuary on my hair cut.  This is the closest I’ve come to admitting my real identity on this site.  Note the oh-so-high tech rectangle over the logo.

So, what did you do today?

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The darker side of fundraising

September25

“Who left this glass right here so I would think it’s my margarita?  Because I just swigged straight tequila.”

“Oppsies.”

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